SHE IS A MATCHMAKER, AN IN-PERSON PROFESSIONAL YENTAL. The success metric in this business is an enduring romantic relationship between her customers.
Sometimes this success manifests as a nuptial. She is frequently invited.
Admission to her practice requires a vetted application, with a current picture and a face-to-face interview. Acceptance rate percentage resembles that of a top college or, say, a competitive Santa Fe preschool.
Why the review? Because Julie has to make a judgment – based on intuition and her own laughingly relevant experience – on whether her applicants will present themselves truthfully and objectively, be willing to present that to prospects, and in turn be willing to accept the equivalent unexpurgated presentation in others. She must conclude that there is a reasonable likelihood of a sale.
Julie has a seemingly effortless ability to get to the heart of matters of the heart coupled with a willingness to tell people what she thinks they should do.
She has the skills of a rhetorician, the understanding of a psychiatrist, the deal-making acumen of a commodity broker, the conviction of a mystic, and the heart of a poet.
You’re in the sales business. At some level you have to persuade people.
It’s actually why I got into it to begin with. I’m service-oriented, not sales-oriented.
People almost have to beg me in order for me to take them on as a matchmaking client, because I simply know too much. And it’s risky. It’s risky for the client and it’s risky for the matchmaker. Let’s just say you’re a single guy and you come to me and you’re thinking about maybe hiring a matchmaker. I gotta see some things. What’s your level of desirability? What are you bringing to the table? What’s your level of selectivity. If I determine that your expectations are not in line with what I think I can provide for you, I am never going to encourage you.
The most intangible quality in men and women is what their true desirability is on an objective basis versus what they think it is. You’re trying to navigate that?
That’s right. It’s really tricky. Here’s what I do – my front doors are open, anybody can register, it’s free and private. I just did an event last night at Tumbleroot Brewery. We had over 100 people. So today, I registered 55 new people into my system. It’s free. It’s private.
Lots of services I offer for free, because who wants to be part of a match-making agency that has 100 people? I mean, I’ve registered 36,000 people in 20 years.
Now, when we do the initial consultation, I don’t do it for free. I charge 295 dollars; it’s an hour of their time and two hours of my time. And I don’t promise introductions at that level, but it’s an in-depth consultation. I run a search first. So before I do that, I get you on the phone. I’m pretending you’re a single guy. We have a nice half-hour phone call. I get your profile all done, it’s private. Nobody goes to julieferman.com and browses the guys. It’s not meant to be like match.com, it’s private.
So now I’ve got your profile done. I know how old you are, the kind of woman you’re interested in, demographics, religion, education, kids, all of that stuff. Politics, all of it. And height and weight and pictures.
Then I run a search for you – that’s when it’s fun. It’s usually a Zoom call and you’re looking at 30-50 profiles and I’m watching your face. If you’re only going for the hotties, and I know that the hottie is not gonna go for you because she’s 30 years younger….
But how do you tell someone basically what’s possible or not for them?
In a really sweet way. What I’ll say is, Given who you are, what you’re bringing to the table, which is a lot, I’d love to have you as a client. The challenge for me is that the woman that you picked out is not a natural match. She’s not looking for a guy who’s 20 or 30 years older. She’s just not.
But how about other qualities, like she’s not looking for a guy who isn’t that good-looking?
Here’s how I do it. I’m thinking of this one girl, call her Janet. Every man who’s ever seen her photo, just positively drools and says, I wanna meet her!
Now, if you and I are on a Zoom call together and you’re like gaga over Janet, I’ll say very gently, Well, here’s the issue. She’s the it girl. All the guys wanna date her. You wanna see who she said yes to two weeks ago and who she said no to?”And I’ll show you. She’s going for Brad Pitt. She’s not going for Sean Connery. Okay?
I need to know what each person’s critical criteria are, and I help them determine it. My recommendation, especially to women, is if the guy who’s hot for you wants to meet you, he’s attracted to you, he’s available, he wants to have you on a date, if he meets your most important critical criteria, you give him a chance. Give him a second date. Give him a third date. Because we can develop attraction over time. That doesn’t happen for guys. They have equipment that needs to work. The first threshold for a guy is always the visuals.
So you break it to them that age makes a difference. What about professional success?
I don’t reveal age on profiles and I don’t reveal net worth or income on profiles.
I create a “Yes” column, I create a “Maybe” column and I create a “No” column. And based on what I find out in the course of that hour, if I think that your levelof selectivity is not in line with what I think I can provide, I will tell you, Save your money and don’t hire a matchmaker.
So we know men’s unrealistic expectations. What are women’s expectations?
Men are a breeze compared to women. Most of the matchmakers will not take on a female client at all. I’m one of the few dinosaurs who still does. I love women because I know what it feels like to be that girl who can’t find the right guy.
And I’m very, very passionate about helping people not just get to the end result, but do dating well.
So women, here’s how we’re tough. Tougher now than ever. We like to think everything is equal and fair, but there is nothing fair about dating. Nothing!
My sister says that we only have a shot with the guy who thinks we’re hot. She’s right, that’s the first level. But women, if they have money, also have an expectation that however much they have, they should date a guy who’s got at least that much, ideally double, so he won’t be intimidated by her success.
Is that true?
She thinks. But it’s actually not true at all. In 33 years I’ve interviewed over 50,000 men; I have never heard a man tell me that he’s intimidated by a woman’s beauty, success, wealth, income, any of that. It’s the way she’s being about it. It puts them off.
What else do women say they want?
They want integrity and character; they want honesty. They want straightforward communication. But they think that’s all a given. It’ll be on their list, but it’ll be like item number 20.
First thing she’ll say is, Successful, professional, gentlemanly, generous. She wants to know that he’s gonna always pick up the dinner tab. Men complain because they’re like, Wait, these women are so independent, and then all of a sudden they have a relationship and she expects the guy to pick up all the tabs and it has to be the Four Seasons, and she expects five-star hotels and first class travel.
The women who are highly accomplished or wealthy expect everything because they have money – they expect this. They expect that. That doesn’t feel good to a guy. Guys need respect, appreciation, and gratitude. So they think that if they just go younger, maybe it’ll be better.
Demographics are not fair. Older guys have the advantage. Over the age of 65 there are three times as many single women as single men.
But the younger guys really struggle. All those cute young girls in their 20s up to about 32, they’re very much in demand. Especially if they’re good-looking and slender, all the guys want to meet them. Then they get this elevated impression of their worth because they go on match.com and within an hour they get 100 hits. They get inundated, so they become picky.
I’ve got a guy who’s with me right now; he’s in Newport Beach. My company is still based in LA, but I thought I was going to retire when I moved here. Because, when I came to Santa Fe, I believed the word on the street, which was, Oh, there aren’t any good single people here. Odds are good, but the goods are odd. That’s what they say. It’s a horrible thing to say. And the women say, There aren’t any good quality men, which is not true. What I’ve determined is I have met more quality men here in the last seven years than I have in LA, and that’s millions and millions of people there.
So the dating business is good in Santa Fe?
It’s the most delightful experience of matchmaking I have ever had. I think because there’s never been a money-hungry sales-oriented matchmaker here, polluting people’s experience of matchmaking. I’m the first one here.
Do people lie?
Let’s say a guy is 62 and he’s hoping to meet a woman who’s in her late 40s, early 50s. Well, he’s bombing out. Those girls are not saying yes to him, so he changes his age. And the girls get mad that so many older guys are picking her, so she changes her age to 32.
Everybody’s lying. Guys lie about their height and their income and education level. And women lie about their weight and their dress size. They post old photos. It’s not that they intend to deceive. It’s that they think they still look like that.
But you’re one of those people who people tell the truth to.
It’s developed over time. I have really gotten good at this.
See more at JulieFerman.com
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